I wonder when I will stop beating myself up

Today, after the competition, I thought about something. Will I ever be able to stop besting myself up? Whether I am winning or loosing, I do it. When I won, both in Manchester and London, I was pretty sure I wasn't that good. I thought it was luck and that the competitions couldn't have been that stiff.

Today, when I didn't make it to the top 10, I also beat myself up. I should have done, I shouldn't have done, I am a looser, I am not good, see, it MUST have been luck - my previous wins... etc.. etc...

I am afraid that the competitions, instead of making me a better tech and a more confident one, will make me feel the opposite. It is like no matter what I do and how I do it, it is not good enough for me. This has nothing to do with pressure from other, but the pressure I make to myself. I hate it...