Why do this?

Today somebody asked me why I put myself through all the hassle with competing. Sometimes I don't understand it myself. It's like a love/hate relationship.

I hate it the weeks before the competition. I always think the worst and I always get kind of a "breakdown", thinking that I am not good enough, that my victories before have been good luck etc... I regret I decided to do it and I am depressed. And yes, I am exactly at that stage now. I just can't understand why I have decided to do this. It's only 3 weeks left and I even haven't sorted a model yet. The only thing I have done is that I have payed a fortune in travel-expenses to go to Orlando and Las Vegas.

I will write the good things a day I am in a better mood!